Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
