I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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