i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
foreskin is a definite game changer
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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