Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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