I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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