Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
