I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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