I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
