Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
