I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
