haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
