Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
