you're like a bully in the Christmas story
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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