it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
