If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
