omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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