I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
