The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
