I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
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