Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
