I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Randomize
