im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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