listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
