I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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