my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
I showed him my bush... on skype.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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