Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
