dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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