if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
