We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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