I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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