i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
