maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
