I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
