i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
they call him Oral-B. enough said
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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