Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'm just crazy horny about you
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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