Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
