bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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