Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
