Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
