I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
