i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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