Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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