You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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