quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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