in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
