I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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