just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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