I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
