I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
