Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
