She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
