chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I need moral support for this bender
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
